I am watching Sippy migrate my Aldo shoe box (another failed attempt to find the perfect black heels). He had pushed it to the floor and dragged it methodically to the far corner of the room. Satisfied, he sits down to observe his master piece. He does all this without forgetting to randomly check my expression. Sometimes, despite the mess they create, I can't help but feel an awful lot of tenderness for the 3 MONSTERS. Life would have been so bland without them... then again maybe I'm just easy going like that... K is right, I probably will end up as the cat lady..old spinster with her cats...oh well... as long as there is love (between myself and some creature or other) and food...

That reminds me...I have to pen something down.... Was discussing Rap music with the Del last night and I told him I could rap too... and to prove it I did...erm... sort of....

It had something to do about love and beef burgers...The simple basic human needs... Why complicate your life in an already complex society...cut it down.. simplify...

The Old Life vs. The New Life

The old life was documented, at times painfully and cringe-worthily, here:

http://www.ellyfernoaks.blogspot.com and here: http://ellyfernoaks.diaryland.com

I am learning not to be embarrassed by it. It was, though sad to say, me.. what I was makes me what I am today.

No I am no stranger to blogging... Have blogged on and off for more than 10 years now. It feels different however. Is it because I am older now or simply that there are too many considerations?... probably both.

In the old life, I never hesitated to include full names, disclose actual feelings and often in more colourful terms than necessary. I wrote with no misgivings that it can and will possibly hurt another person. I wrote freely and i do not regret it. When you do not think... the actual act is always easier. I must however write with new complications and new challenges chained to my will to spill again ... that is the way it must be and for the longest time it confounds me and keeps me from starting to blog again.

I suppose blogging is made more difficult now.. my life revolve mainly around work (which I know better than to leak details into cyberspace) and personal issues which I care not to divulge.

OK I will write again... I will throw aside the excuse of writer's block in favour of it being another challenge I must conquer. After all, writing like everything else (being embarrassed by your past included) requires practice.

Resurrection

Is there any better time to start writing again than a quiet boring afternoon, when the sheer idea of your own mortality turns all your thoughts into little self absorbed cyclones you claim to be "introspective"?

If there is such a time for resurrecting my half baked writing skills...This is not quite it.

If...however, there is that perfect moment for self absorbed twitter... here it is.

Strange

The funny thing about the whole self help movement and the management gurus are that they all have their own 2 cents worth to chip in about something, they all have different ways to solve a problem which they claim is the best way move my cheese dammit and the elephant ate the frog but at the same time, they all agree with each other's bull...

C'mon man, somebody's gotta be wrong.

the journey

I feel empty. No happiness nor sorrow. Caught in this in between emotion. There is nothing I want that makes any practical sense. Perhaps my mind and heart are at odds... bending my perceptions, creating a void. I feel more mortal than ever... the impending end to this journey weights heavily. Have I done enough? Have I been brave enough? Have I loved enough? Dared enough? Have I cried enough? Laughed enough? Failed enough? Succeed enough? If I leave this very day... Have I done enough? tried hard enough?

It bothers me that I can't answer these questions.

Christmas Eve

Just trying to do the best one can. Perhaps there is never a good enough.

Merry? Christmas.

2008- Still Functioning

It's one day before Christmas eve and the office sits quiet like just before the invigilator says "OK pens down". I'm sucked into an endless hum... (or maybe it's just the air con...). The phones are not ringing and I haven't had a single email all day. K's on leave and D's gone to Bali... My bosses are busy getting ready for Christmas with their family. I'm sitting here blogging.

The year is trickling to an end and there's no way to stop time so I'm just rolling with it. Looking back at all the drama around the world this past year, I think I did okay. I hope things will get better for everyone come 2009. I try to remember the highlights of 2008 in my personal life but I can't think of any. the word is... it was all okay. And I am glad.

Boredom tires one as easily or more so as an active day. Boredom in a year? Exhausting. But I really can't think of any complains. I am feeling functional, but just that. Nothing exciting.

2008 is the year I decided not to seek another job, the year I decided that money and being "with it" is less important to me than I thought it was. So now I'm not cool and I'm penniless. 2008 is the year I welcome Rae and Sippy Straw into my life. I already know they are tightening their little fingers/paws around my heart. What a strange and wondrous feeling! 2008 is the year we dropped Dino into the abyss and I'm still wondering about the idiot even though I know I shouldn't. 2008 was a year of happy routines and cutting out unhappiness.

On a side note...I went to JB last Sunday. I have not make it a point to see my paternal grandma as much as I should. I guess it has to do with the fact that I spent the whole day sitting in the same room and not speaking to her! Horrible am I not? It is not that I don't care, I just don't have much to say. So I hugged her several times. It seems like we are separated by years of awkwardness. So much so that the room becomes stifling and I feel like an imbecile. I cut the awkwardness with hugs. That's all I can do. Be there and be huggable. I am a dull child. Probably always have been.

I'm going to meet K and her baybeesh in abit. Maybe I'll have more to say tomorrow...