When I Grow Up...

... I Will Be Different.

Met Noi for dinner today. We are always fantastically in sync doing the impromptu thing.

Friends are like mirrors. Good time friends are like the mirrors at fancy stores- you'll always look fabulous and you will buy in to all the ego boosting crap, which really is not half bad till you are out in the light and it seems somewhat disappointing. Uneven mirrors are the friends that let you down, make you feel awful all the time, drag you down under the water....all zits are boils and pores are craters.

Real friends are the truth revealing mirrors you rely on to put on your morning make up. Noi is like a truth mirror to me. Looking into the truth mirror today, I saw what was just beneath my make up. A smudge barely visible but a smudge nevertheless...

I never knew why there are sudden moments when a thought would flitter just at the edge of my conciousness and I feel like I have taken a road I do not recognise. I always tell myself it is okay, especially since it is a nice road and I know it leads to the nice field ahead, so I am not completely at lost. But it doesn't excite me. Everything seems pretty and pretty boring. I feel like I am equally boring. A decent still life painting of a vase of flowers boring.

Noi put it down so simply....It is not what you are doing..It is....well..you are not the person you wanted to be.

I am not the person I wanted to be. Revealation!

Awesomely positive person that I am... I have never doubted I am okay and am doing okay and will do okay. So I have become well...OK. I am not sure if okay is good enough but it sure is boring to be just OKAY. I suppose the real Oaky does not want to be just OKAY. I probably need to get a name change.

I have forgotten what I wanted to be as a child but I suppose I wanted to be different from what I have eventually become. How do I even put it down in words... I suppose I wanted to be interesting... to be intelligent, talented and quirky.. I suppose I wanted to be a Salvador Dali...without the dying lonely part.

NOTHING'S FREE IN LIFE, SO QUIT WHINGING AND START DOING SOME REAL WORK.... THAT'S TO YOu and YOU and YOU and you...especially to those who use their kids as excuses, like just because I have none I should naturally have more time to do more work. Apparently, I am not human, I don't have a family or commitments. And guess what? I don't eat or sleep or pee and most of all I don't have feelings.

yes I understand the kids part but I also know of people who handle it just fine. Bottom line is, you have kids... you can't manage both... that's it...it is pretty normal. By telling people you can't do this or that because of your child isn't going to make you less incompetent and what a horrible parent for blaming it on your child...so NO it does not make you a better parent by choosing child over work if you are a CHILD BLAMER.

Don't get the wrong idea... I may stay back to do work till what 8 or 9pm? But I do not expect people to do the same! Quite the opposite! Staying late to me means you are either incompetent or over work which still means you are stupid... because if it happens every now and again that's fine... if it happens every day for the rest of your work life...you obviously are too damn dumb to realise you are overworked and do something about it.

And if you tell me everyone in your office does it??? Well bunch of pessimistic dumb sheep working for the clever corporation. What? I don't understand? Oh I do... I understand that working 16 hours a day and all through weekends for someone else is being dumb and guess what... dumb people will be promoted... to middle management...for the rest of their lives. But you are not so dumb if you do all that without complaining and actually have a plan to go beyond(I hope someone like you exist)... I'm not all that clever either but I choose not to be a pessimistic sheep.

But I digress. I don't mind staying back to do some work but if I have to stay back because You and you and You cannot manage or happen to be a CHILD BLAMER then that pisses me off. I don;t want to stay... I could leave and let it all fall apart.... But I have worked too hard for this... for a job I don't love but for the simple reason that I take pride in my work anywhere I go. I built this (I am fiercely possessive that way..)...so if you are going to come along and be stupid and ruin it all... I will take you down! Me and CJR with our Black Belts! Hiayak!

Only saving grace? Thank goodness for the my hunnie bunnies-my wing girls in the office...And I have something most people don't have-the good employer. So say WHAT pessimistic Dolly?

Saw a 2 headed iguana...then realised it was a pair of mating iguanas. What's worse than ordinary lizards??? Mating ones! goodness. my heart shivers.

Things that $ Can Buy

Once in a while, I get into shallow mode and dream up all the delightful things that money can buy...This is from a list I made last year:

Endless supply of Body shop Olive bath stuff
Black dress with metal applique from Zara
Grey and white bubble dress from top shop
A comprehensive insurance policy + savings plan
Perfect Black Heels
Tailored tunic dress(es)
Pink tops (I don't really have those)
Holidays
Elf boots
Earl Grey Ginger Pudding @ PS Cafe
Muscato by the crate (Browns Brothers white)
Sentosa Cove House(s) @ Ocean Drive
500 Days of Summer OST
3 door Wardrobe
Sealy mattress (cushion firm silver award)
Solid beechwood queen bed frame with headboard of my dreams
Tiffany white gold mesh wire ring- massive on pointer
Sashimi brunch every Sunday
Dentist appointment twice a year
Gym membership for 2
Glucosamine
Steve Madden shoes-Kkobra and Bianna

The idea is to have some realistic items I can easily get short term....and I am ticking them off one by one...makes life a happy transit lounge...wait till I get to item no.12...

I am watching Sippy migrate my Aldo shoe box (another failed attempt to find the perfect black heels). He had pushed it to the floor and dragged it methodically to the far corner of the room. Satisfied, he sits down to observe his master piece. He does all this without forgetting to randomly check my expression. Sometimes, despite the mess they create, I can't help but feel an awful lot of tenderness for the 3 MONSTERS. Life would have been so bland without them... then again maybe I'm just easy going like that... K is right, I probably will end up as the cat lady..old spinster with her cats...oh well... as long as there is love (between myself and some creature or other) and food...

That reminds me...I have to pen something down.... Was discussing Rap music with the Del last night and I told him I could rap too... and to prove it I did...erm... sort of....

It had something to do about love and beef burgers...The simple basic human needs... Why complicate your life in an already complex society...cut it down.. simplify...

The Old Life vs. The New Life

The old life was documented, at times painfully and cringe-worthily, here:

http://www.ellyfernoaks.blogspot.com and here: http://ellyfernoaks.diaryland.com

I am learning not to be embarrassed by it. It was, though sad to say, me.. what I was makes me what I am today.

No I am no stranger to blogging... Have blogged on and off for more than 10 years now. It feels different however. Is it because I am older now or simply that there are too many considerations?... probably both.

In the old life, I never hesitated to include full names, disclose actual feelings and often in more colourful terms than necessary. I wrote with no misgivings that it can and will possibly hurt another person. I wrote freely and i do not regret it. When you do not think... the actual act is always easier. I must however write with new complications and new challenges chained to my will to spill again ... that is the way it must be and for the longest time it confounds me and keeps me from starting to blog again.

I suppose blogging is made more difficult now.. my life revolve mainly around work (which I know better than to leak details into cyberspace) and personal issues which I care not to divulge.

OK I will write again... I will throw aside the excuse of writer's block in favour of it being another challenge I must conquer. After all, writing like everything else (being embarrassed by your past included) requires practice.

Resurrection

Is there any better time to start writing again than a quiet boring afternoon, when the sheer idea of your own mortality turns all your thoughts into little self absorbed cyclones you claim to be "introspective"?

If there is such a time for resurrecting my half baked writing skills...This is not quite it.

If...however, there is that perfect moment for self absorbed twitter... here it is.